Troubles Don’t Last Always

When I separated from my first husband, that was the worst pain I had ever experienced in my life. I was withdrawn, irritable, and when I wasn’t at work I slept a lot. I’d make a pallet on the floor each Friday because my work week was over, full of snacks in the living room and pile on the sofa. My sons were in reach so if they needed me they’d just poke me in the face. At that time they were four and two years old.

I cried so much during that time and my life, plans, stability was in question. I suffered alone not trusting people around me because everyone was speculating and not understanding. Even my husband at the time took my erratic emotions for a joke and said I only carried on like that while talking to him. But my oldest had a parent/teacher conference and said that he told her that “my mom cries a lot at night.”

That feeling that I had, I never wanted to feel again but it was enough to pull myself together. Verbal abuse…emotional abuse tears you apart like no other and even when you put your life back together, the triggers and scars are there.

It takes time and I’m still healing. I’m recognizable but I put my pieces back together differently. I have my bouts of situational depression. But I also pray my way through it.

If you can’t be kind, be quiet. EVERYBODY is fighting a silent battle, even with smiles on our faces. When bad news hits close to home, it’s impossible to overlook it and not remember your tough times. I’m so glad troubles don’t last always.

XOXO

My Father Was Absent

On the year mark of my brother’s death I was overwhelmed with the grief as I made my way to school.  I immediately texted my sister to let her know she crossed my heart and mind but that reopened a wound inside of me that has yet to heal.

There is still one man…biological father…he spread his seed and produced children that really don’t know him at all.  At least I feel like I don’t know him.

At times in my life I remember reaching out to him to simply ask him to be more present in my life.  It was never about money,  I was just a little girl who knew her father but didn’t understand why he wasn’t very present in my life.  I had a daddy, my godfather, who did an awesome job being a father figure, but my last name is Williams…and that is the man who should have been there.

Four women had their lives affected by his handsome charm I am sure.  But a woman only knows a man that is hers in the moment. I’m sure each mother loved my father, but did he really love them?  After all, there are five children.

Five children grew up estranged because even though we know each other, the centerpiece to our connectivity, our father…didn’t bridge those relationships.  I have an older sister, regardless to the circumstances, two older brothers (R.I.P. Tim), and a younger brother. There is a 10 year gap between my youngest brother and I, and for me I’m somewhat cherishing his presence.

Sadly, we are all still 1 father, 4 mothers, and 5 children because my father was absent.