Leave People Where They Are

Sometimes you have to leave people where they are so that you do not stunt your growth.  Take a look around you, take in the faces you see, the many people you encounter in a day are fighting battles beyond their control.cc489911048d3d6ee19e0e528fa64722

It is easy to tell someone to give their problems to God, let go and everything will work itself out but what about the advice given that is the complete opposite.  Your closest friends, family members, and spiritual family will pray for you as you pray for yourself but as you pray, you feel your flesh becoming weaker by the day and you lose faith.

In an interesting roundabout of conversation I have communicated with people with various perspectives on love, relationships, and life and I learn something new each time these topics come up.  The issue of marriage is always a hot topic because most of the people that I am around daily are married and have been for a few years.  In a wide range of two years on up to 20 years or more, listening to these people speak on the topic, as I also contribute to the discussion, we hear each other saying the same things but how we deal with each situation is completely different.

Conflict is always the laughable stories.  Communication in relationships causes unwanted stress.  The discussion on finances always arises and figuring out how to balance it all is our common denominator.  But what do you do when all of this breaks down?  Do you throw in the towel or hang on and let the relationship take its course?

The idea of moving on is tough especially when you have completely invested yourself in the relationship and know that once you get over the hump things will get better.  I personally admire marital relationships that have lasted 20, 30, or even 40 plus years.  The relationships that have lasted that length of time show commitment to one another to see each obstacle all the way through together.  They didn’t just walk away because things got tough and almost unbearable.  They worked through the conflict and heartbreak in order to mend the connection they share.

However, on the flip side of working things out I was introduced to a different perspective.  Ironically people that are single want to be married, and married people want to be single because marriage takes a lot of work.

I heard a guy say in a discussion once that you don’t have to get married because that is what society expects you to do.  He said that people treat marriage like a trend, and after they see what it’s like and decide that they don’t like it, people just walk away.  He also said that people don’t take love seriously anymore.  He had a point because I know women including myself that have had to cope with failed relationships time and time again.

Now the guy was not bashing marriage and relationships but he said sometimes you just don’t want to be bothered.  He’s right! Ignoring your significant other makes matters worse if there is already tension in the air.  But he went on to say that relationships take a lot of work, almost too much work if you asked him…LOL. He was dead ass serious.  He set this scenario:  If your significant other is having a bad day, you have to put your feelings to the side, take on their concerns, sympathize with them to make sure they are okay then do something for them to make them feel better.  He didn’t say that he would have a problem doing it, he was simply saying that at the end of the a bad day, he likes going home to confines of his four walls and not dealing with anyone if he doesn’t have to.  That sounds easy but when there is already a breakdown that is not easy to do.

That’s not a selfish thought that is just where he is in his life and that is respectable.  At least he’s a man that knows who he is and what he is and isn’t ready for.   When he does finally decide to settle down I am sure the women he gives his love to will be truly adored.

All too often we jump into relationships, the new feelings and attention gives you goosebumps then the infatuation wears off.  The kind words turn into periods of silence and every conversation has a slither of conflict attached to it.  The roller-coaster of emotions is ushered in and you find yourself at an impasse.  Women are emotional creatures and internalize the breakdown and will see things for what they are while remaining optimistic.  Men will walk away using their heads and not their hearts not realizing the hurt they are causing.  This is not all relationships, but I have talked to so many women that have loved with all of their heart and still got handled badly.

If God is not at the center of these relationships, most times these relationships are failing.  Moving on sounds easy in theory but it’s a lot harder to do for some more than others.  Eventually you have to move on and leave people where they are.

So I have a question, do you think it is easy hang on because relationships have seasons or should you move on?  Leave a comment, I’m interested to know what you think.

I Inadvertently Took Some Time Off

I inadvertently took some time off from my blog because I wanted to see what all of the email courses and other “blogging” tricks were about.  I completed an eight day email course and learned some valuable things but most importantly I learned that she (course creator) began in this industry not really knowing where it was going to take her either.

I did learn from her though that if you are going to write blogs, make them epic, make them insightful, make them relatable, make them as long as you want because if people are really liking the things you write about then they will continue to come back looking for more.  Point well taken!

Keeping with the lessons that I have learned, I am now etching out my next steps because I would like more control in my life, career, finances, and creativity.  There are so many elements to the blogging business that I know now that I WANT A PROFITABLE BLOG.  So now as I think about my niche, I will keep that to myself until I am ready to…GUESS WHAT?

RELAUNCH!

 Can you believe it?  I am going to be relaunching…how soon, that’s a secret too! LOL!

I have also ultimately decided to switch directions a little bit because I want to be KNOWN for what I do.  I am grateful to the followers that I have, but I also want to grow my audience.  I am inspired by the many TOP NICHE bloggers that exist, but I am not comparing myself to any of them because my thoughts are mine, my ideas are mine, and my future is bright as I realign my goals.

There is such a thing as being epic and simple!  I don’t need a bunch of categories to write on…I need to just focus on my passion as I move forward.  Yes I had bright ideas of being the best right out of the gate, but as I see, this is an ongoing process that will be tweaked, revised, and prioritized many times over even after today.  My passion is WRITING so I VOW to be good at it if nothing else.

Now don’t get me wrong, I have considered what types of consumable products I could possibly create, and I banged my head because I was not sure if I wanted to undertake such a large task.  That was until a few weeks ago while at work…FULL-TIME TEACHER…a colleague was talking about all of the ideas they had for a book project.  I told my colleague I would help them figure it out just let me think about it.  On yesterday I wrote them a quick checklist on how to organize their thoughts as it was very SIMPLE.

  • What are the themes of your project?
  • Where did you draw your inspiration…quotes, scripture, etc?
  • What is your backstory to why you feel passionate about your chosen themes?
  • What impact do you want to have on your audience?
  • What is holding you back from writing? START NOW!

My colleague looked at the quick list and said four words, “You are the bomb!”  I smiled because I don’t mind helping a creative outline their next step, if they are serious.  Then that got me thinking, I really do like to write.  I want to write books!  I want to be behind the scenes helping make things happen.  I don’t know how good I’ll be at creating products, and even though it seems like everyone is doing it there is room for everybody to WIN.  Helping my colleague turned into an AHA! Moment…This REBRAND is going to be BANANAS!

I’m not keen on the idea of email lists…but I know once I create stuff that other creatives want for free…I am sure the list will begin to build.  So that is kind of where I am at.  I have to roll up my sleeves and do the work…try some stuff…think bigger…create some stuff…and if all else fail…scrap that stuff and start all over again.

So of course when you see my blog now, I am kind of all over the place…not really…but somewhat.  I tried just writing from the heart, but I didn’t want to seem redundant.  I did the short lived, Meaningful Monday, Truthful Tuesday, and Thankful Thursday, but that format didn’t really work for me either.  Switching gears I tried the topic creator and was able to come up with the 5 Things My Single Mom Taught Me, I Have Not Always Been a Wife, I Don’t Want to Coach: I Just Want to Write, and one of my most well received blogs-What No One Tells You About Blogging.

Pinterest had even hoodwinked me into writing some of those broad blog post embedded in those blogging challenges.  I liked my blog, The Meaning of TilyaRealEyes “The Educated Butler” but it wasn’t enough.  Now I am not even sure if “The Educated Butler” is going to make it into the new year.  It was an idea but with this impending relaunch, I feel like that tagline will not be a part of my niche.  I even had a buffer account, until I got a new phone which was where I scheduled most of my buffer posts.

I didn’t get tired of that account, but once I repeat myself 20 times, even I get bored.   Yes I know I should trust the process, but I didn’t feel too impactful.  I could grab my Chromebook and start scheduling again, but that is just not what I feel like doing.

Here I am being authentically ME.  Yes this is from the heart!  This has been on my mind, I just had to clear my mind of all the other clutter to write.  This is who I am.  My personal life even took a hit which also stagnated my creativity.  The only thing I have accomplished since mid-September is redoing the cover of my book.

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Amazon Kindle and Paperback

So keep reading through my old blogs while you can…I’m working on other projects that I can’t wait to share as well as new business ideas.  It’s weird; turning 35 in December has me reorganizing my life again.  All of my 20’s I said that I wasn’t business-minded.  Now I’m striving to create my own quality business as an Independent Author, Blogger, and ________________. Stay tuned!

Thanks for reading!

20 Facts About Me

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  1. I am my mother’s only child.
  2. I have half siblings on my biological father’s side.
  3. I was in a secret relationship my Junior year in high school. (I hate him now!)
  4. I began my college journey at the University of Florida.
  5. Seafood, specifically snow crab legs and shrimp are my favorite food.                       
  6. I have attended 8 different colleges and universities from 2000-2016.                  University of Florida, Burlington Community College, Western International University, University of Phoenix, Community College of the Air Force (A.A.S. 06’), Thomas Edison State College (A.A. and B.A. Liberal Studies, 07’), Bellevue University (MPA 09’),  Nova Southeastern University (Ed.S. 10’ and Ed. D. 16’) img_20160518_110904.jpg
  7.  I am from Waycross, Georgia, Home of the Okefenokee Swamp. 
  8. I joined the United States Air Force in 2001, and served until 2007.
  9.  The first time I got married was in 2003 until I got divorced in 2011.                                                                                                                   
  10.  I have visited 12 United States and 1 U.S. Territory:  Florida, Nebraska, Illinois, Missouri, Mississippi, North Carolina, Virginia, Texas, Pennsylvania, New York, New Jersey, Maryland and U.S. Territory-Puerto Rico
  11.  I am a member of Zeta Phi Beta Sorority, Inc.20160116_112608-1-1.jpg
  12.  I have been on 3 Carnival Cruises: Bahamas twice, and Cozumel/Key West once
  13.  I worked for the Office of Child Supported Services for 8 months, and hated it.
  14.  I love the The Real Housewives Franchise, except for the Miami cast, they don’t do anything for me.  The Real Housewives of Atlanta are my favorite since I’m a GA Girl.
  15.  I have twelve tattoos…three of them are butterflies that represent the changes in my life.
  16.  I have two wonderful sons, Phillip who’s 12 and Preston who’s 10.
  17.  I have been a middle school teacher since 2008.
  18. I got remarried in 2014.wp-image-1457144966jpg.jpg
  19. I have played tennis as a hobby since 2012.
  20. I self-published my first book My Fourth Year in Middle School: The Truth About Teaching
    20160702_170048Comment and let me know what you find the most interesting, I’ll be sure to respond.

5 Things My Single Mom Taught Me

I grew up in the small streets of Waycross, Georgia where there was a clear division in the sides of town, dirt roads that you didn’t drive down, and noticeable identities of jocks and band geeks.  No matter what, when I looked around me I always knew who to lean on, and other than God, my mom was my strength.

I didn’t live in Cherokee Heights but was fortunate enough to be inside the homes of my cheerleading friends that did.  No matter what was lacking in my life on my side of town throughout it all my mom modeled self-sufficiency to the fullest.  I learned a lot of things watching her and those things shape my continued existence.

Thing One:  Independence

My mom had me when she was 18 years old and my dad was around for a quick minute before he was never thought of again.  He made appearances in my life, but my mom set the ground rules.  I was a latch-key kid at a very early age so many times I looked after myself until my mom came home from work.  Not having others around all of the time, made me rely on myself as I was learning to navigate through life.  I studied my mom make things happen for herself and how strong she seemed all of the time.  She displayed her independence by going without when we didn’t have what we need and not placing her small family in vulnerable situations that we couldn’t return from.  She worked, she paid the bills, food was always on the table, most importantly she survived the social woes of single parentdom.

Thing Two:  Provision

In kindergarten I left for school one day and there weren’t any presents under the tree, but when I returned home the tree was full.  My god-father had purchased every single toy that I wanted, but of course who could resist my six year old face.  However, by the time I was 15 Christmas was not that big of a deal and I found that money was hard to come by.  I never really knew my mom’s financial situation growing up.  I just knew that sometimes we had and more than what was needed and other times she stretched what she had to cover the necessities.  I can recall things being a little tight here and there, and one year for Christmas she uttered the words that she’d do what she could.  She was my only provider, and watching her work tirelessly I know she had to be a praying woman because even when money was scarce our needs were always met.

Thing Three:  Imperfection

My mom worked crazy hours.  While working at a plywood factory called Champion, she would pull 12, up to 16 hour shifts and would come home smelling like wood, mildew, and steam.  I hated it!  Unfortunately the long hours would be accompanied by mood swings.  We disagreed a lot during those few years and I said some pretty horrible things and so did she.  Some children look at their moms and see mean women that don’t understand life.  I looked at my imperfect mom and loved her with all my heart.  My mom was perfectly imperfect, making mistakes raising me, and we we learning and figuring out life together.  That’s what happens when you’re an only child, and you work through the imperfect moments to learn a lesson.

Thing Four:  Trust

It is true that it takes years to build trust and only a second to lose it.  However, I instinctively trust my mom.  I can not recall a single time in my life that I doubted who would be here for me.  I didn’t want to trust her advice as a teenager because I wanted to make my own mistakes.  Growing into an adult in my hardest times, my mom listened to my deepest fears without judgement, hugged me tight, and reassured me that there was always a bright side to every down side.  I don’t have to second guess her loyalty.  When I am reminded of failed trust relationships, I question if and when I ever had second thoughts about someone being in my life.  When I think about my mom I smile and if I think about others and frown, they are not worth my trust.  It may seem juvenile, but one thing for sure is that my mom is not going anywhere.

Thing Five:  Love

Love is a word that comes and goes, few people really know what it means to really love somebody.  Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance (1 Corinthians 13: 7).  Unconditional support comes from her direction.  No matter how many times I feel inadequate, unworthy, and outright lost in my decisions and life, I know that I can count on my mother’s love.  I strive to love my children each day as much as she has loved me.  I strive to love my neighbor as I love myself.  My mother’s love is never-ending, so when people I allow people into my life I’m optimistic.  When I hold on to people it is with the kind of love my mom showed me.  It’s hard sometimes when you want to shut down, but love is a safe place for me when it comes to her.  I in turn want love to be a safe place for my sons when they think of me.

My mom did it alone, but I learned so much.

My Father Was Absent

On the year mark of my brother’s death I was overwhelmed with the grief as I made my way to school.  I immediately texted my sister to let her know she crossed my heart and mind but that reopened a wound inside of me that has yet to heal.

There is still one man…biological father…he spread his seed and produced children that really don’t know him at all.  At least I feel like I don’t know him.

At times in my life I remember reaching out to him to simply ask him to be more present in my life.  It was never about money,  I was just a little girl who knew her father but didn’t understand why he wasn’t very present in my life.  I had a daddy, my godfather, who did an awesome job being a father figure, but my last name is Williams…and that is the man who should have been there.

Four women had their lives affected by his handsome charm I am sure.  But a woman only knows a man that is hers in the moment. I’m sure each mother loved my father, but did he really love them?  After all, there are five children.

Five children grew up estranged because even though we know each other, the centerpiece to our connectivity, our father…didn’t bridge those relationships.  I have an older sister, regardless to the circumstances, two older brothers (R.I.P. Tim), and a younger brother. There is a 10 year gap between my youngest brother and I, and for me I’m somewhat cherishing his presence.

Sadly, we are all still 1 father, 4 mothers, and 5 children because my father was absent.